Facts of Life

First off, I decided to delete the post 50 Shades of Grey Vs. American Duty because though it was super fun to drink wine and play anarchist for a night, the more I read it, the more embarrassed I got, and not in the good way, like when I discover pics of me and my best bitch Holly Rose using public toilets on the internet. The point is since this blog gives me the power to retract that booze soaked baby into a state of non existence, that's exactly what I'm going to do, but I will leave the only honest part of the post here:

So anyways, it seems like a lot has happened since that fateful blog back in March. Moments after I wrote it I moved into this shit trailer:

Yes, that is a port-a-potty. #1 The septic was froze when I moved in. #2 I am in no way ashamed of having the grit to rough it. #3 Every time you start over, you start at the bottom. Fact of life. Was that an eighties sitcom, Facts of Life? Well, who cares? 

I spent 6 months in my home town and realized a couple of things. One is that my best friends are the ones I grew up with. I feel like I'm lucky to be able to say that. It seems all the people who accept me at my most irrevocably uncool are somehow linked to Pequot Lakes, MN. Those are the ties that come with a serious root system. Which brings me to realization number two: a person can't stay in a place because it's the home of or common link to her family and/or besties. Granted most people understand this in their early twenties, and I did then too, but I thought I'd circle back for good measure. Relationships take effort, and that is what you have to give them to withstand time and distance. Fact of life. 

So come Labor Day I packed it all in the Subaru and moved back to Bemidji. Here's a short list of things I like about Bemidji:

It's a small town in Northern Minnesota

It's got a liberal streak uncommon to small towns in Northern MN

There are a lot of artists, writers, poets, musicians and the like who reside here

Wilderness galore

Horses galore

Lots of Native American influence

Lots of hospitals (since I'm a nurse and must earn my keep)

Etc. 

I will try to get to the point. I am here in Bemidji and happy about it. I have a goal of buying a hobby farm within the year, and I am deadly serious about it. I've released the dream of growing up to be a Disney princess, but it died hard and might even still have a last bloody gasp left in it. I just haven't figured out how to be a princess and an empress at the same time. Some women have and I may have harbored a smidge of jealousy about the ordeal, but on second thought I don't think I want to know their secret. I'd rather just take responsibility for my own life. 

Now I feel like that slow, mysterious metamorphosis that's been threatening to shift is making good on said threats. The old ways no longer apply, I mean the things I sought and the ways I sought them have taken me as far as they can. It's time to graduate, again. 

Think about it like this: The sea was a great place to live, but it filled up and the fish had to crawl onto the beach just for some goddamn peace and quiet! He or she had no skills or defenses, he or she had to start at the bottom. (fact of life) But things got better and the land was a great place to live. But, eventually if filled up and the reptiles had to learn to fly just to hear themselves think! Anyways, you get the point. On to the great unknown. I think of the first step in terms of depth perception. Maybe in the past I was looking at the stars, and I love looking at the stars. In fact, I go outside and stare at the North Star almost every night. But maybe I was looking at them and thinking I could reach them. Ludicrous! The thing about stars is they might not even exist any more. My favorite star might have burned out centuries ago. Not to mention the impossible distance to them. The thing every young person hates to hear, I'm about to say: for dreams to come true they must be realistic. Being one in a million is not good odds. 

So about depth perception, why not look to the Poplar trees? They're basically my favorite trees for the following reasons:

The leaves shiver and flitter in the wind

Because of this they make the most wonderful whispering sound

They grow tall and straight, none of this branching out, shade tree B.S.

In the fall the leaves turn bright yellow

The leaves at the top of the tree are the last to fall

When the sun hits said leaves they look like they're lit from within

It's not about giving up, it's about knowing what's around you, it's about satisfaction, which really only lasts when from an internal source, like a cultivated trait. And here's another morsel: I highly doubt very many people are born satisfied, though many become satisfied. Cultivation. Fact of life. 

So step one is the focus shift. The North Star is only there as a guide. Where ever that motivational poster that says "Reach for the Stars" is, I hope someone is ripping it up. Don't reach for the stars, just watch them. We live among the Poplars, that is where we build our empires. Fact of life.